Coming to My Senses

So I'm saying this in a not so good way but at the same time not in an awful way...

This is me coming to my senses. I finally figured out for so many days this complicated matter that has been irritating me down to my spines. I hate to say it but I can't stand not talking to him. I just can't help but to say a simple 'hello' or 'hi' when he smiles and smile if he does it first.

So it started this way.

I was having my not-so-grand Graduation Party (G.P.) in the same day of our graduation. All of my friends [including him, of course! He was like my best friend] and teachers were invited (even those people whom only my parents knew were even included) to my G.P. Our graduation rites ended six-thirty in the evening so my party started at around seven. My guests were there already as expected. We started the party while my guests kept coming. My teachers soon arrive with my friends and classmates too. I was, of course, waiting for my best friends to arrive.

After an hour, only few of my best friends arrive and he was not one of them. I waited and refused to take dinner even though I'm really hungry because I want them to be there complete eating dinner with me. My friends also join me in fasting because this guy means a lot to them though I'm not really sure if to me he's that important too, maybe in a different way. But one of my friends' mom said that it's not worth the waiting and concluded that perhaps, he's not coming or will be arriving late so it's better if we eat out dinner now that starve ourselves for waiting for just one person who perhaps have eaten already. So there, we grab our food and still there waiting while eating. One of my teachers [not to mention one of our favorite teacher since he's like a father to us] entertained us together with his wife in singing us a song. Few more songs and still no sign of him.

My guests were starting to leave and I was losing hopes of him coming. A friend of mine whom a very close companion to my heart arrived and I was so happy that he came for he made a sacrifice even if how many times I've told him that it's okay if he can't make it to my G.P. since it's late already and that I'm happy that he called because it only shows how concern he is of how I might feel if he'll just shut up and act like it was nothing.

I don't want to drag the story anymore because it is useless since he did not arrive at all.

The following week...

Obviously, I acted cold and fierce with a tinge of raising my eyebrows. When he says 'hi', I tried to avoid it with a cold smile. When he looks at me and we catch each other's eyes, I tried to give him unconcerned ones. When he smiles, I tried to knock-off the image in my head and give him a disappointed look. It was, I know, was affecting him but it's all that I can do for me to be able to show to him how much I felt that night. I can't say it in front of him. I don't know why... Perhaps, the fact that he broke his promise to me made it hard for me to talk about it and what's worse? He acted like nothing happened and it hurts me that it's like he doesn't even care for my feelings. He's my friend after all for four years if he is not my best friend.

I don't know what to do. But it keeps me inside crying and falling into pieces.

Yet, I can't stand it and it is always worth the risk. I wish I could tell him and ask for his reasons but all I can do is just smile at him when we catch each other's eyes.

but why do I find cold eyes... is it all coming back to me? All the things I did to him? I don't get it. I don't even know if it's a misunderstanding or what. He can't leave me hanging on this one, right?

(photo is not owned by the blogger.)